Some nice jokes for the morning !

George Carlin Quotes

• I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
• Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
• The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
• Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
• I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
• In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
• “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
• “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
• The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
• I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
• I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
• It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
• The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
• Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

The internet is going to be officially tapped from yesterday onwards ... at least all traffic to and from the US (btw that is no joke !)

quotes courtesy of blogzarro.com